What Weighs You Down?

So, I've been getting up and working out most days with my new found hero - my trainer, Erinn.  Despite these efforts and the fact that I really do NOT eat a lot, I still find myself far above my BMI and far below my own self standards.

Recently, Erinn informed me that when you're working out, as you do, it can release a lot of emotions:  laughter, anger, etc. whatever is bottled up inside is gonna get stirred up.

Being the supremely logical person that I am - despite working in the behavioral health industry (ironic, I know) - I completely dismissed this whole emotional element thinking I could simply WILL my way through and conquer myself through appropriate diet (not dieting) and exercise.

Surprise. Surprise.  That's not been working...

The EMOTIONAL thing keeps surfacing.  So yesterday I got down right angry at the whole notion.  The internal and sometimes external self dialogue went something like this:

• Maybe I don't want to remember certain things!
• I dealt with all that junk years ago - what's the point of thinking about it now???
• Just  L E T     M E     B E!
• Enough already....................... nothing good will come of bringing up the past.
• Stop

And THEN - like the proverbial flood when the gates start to buckle and ultimately break - the memories came back with full force in 3D, High Definition, and surround sound. 
The images and feelings...
The anxiety...
...and of course, the tears.

I realized that when I'm running and my trainer is running backwards in front of me, 

it reminded me of the first time someone I loved taught me to ski.  

He took me to Wintergreen.  The show-off skied backwards in front of me as I held onto his ski poles down the mountain.  The good memory mixed with the pain of loss...

The loss though was of more than just him... it was the loss of that life.  The loss of the entirety of that life - marriage, children, some semblence of what most consider 'normalcy' - and THAT was painful.

The truth is that I've never allowed myself to FEEL that loss.  I refused to let the painful circumstances of my life beat me... regardless of what event happened, whatever illness, whatever words spoken over/to me - I would simply ABSORB it and keep moving forward.

Time after Time.
Loss after Loss.

I never explained anything to anyone.  I stopped talking.  I created a mental wall around my being.  Self Protection 101 taken to the mental extreme.

I simply did whatever I felt I needed to do to stay alive... I would pray.  I would fortify my mind.  I would buffer my thoughts against the onslaught of emotions.

I refused to break.

Problem is, if all you ever do is ABSORB the pain, it stays with you.

It  Stays  With  You...
It  Stays  With  You...
It  Stays  With  You...

The truth is that unless you experience the emotions - allow yourself to FEEL what you're feeling, whatever it is - then all that pain, all that hurt, all those things you don't want to feel will lie in wait somewhere deep inside you.

It  Stays  With  You... until you LET IT OUT!!

What I've discovered is that no matter how strong you are, no matter how talented, how logical or formidable, no matter WHAT you do - at some point, you have to deal with your emotions. 

The Real Emotions...

And until you (or I) do, your journey toward your vision will continue to be just that - a journey - not a destination. 

You can't get to where you want to be without first dealing with where you actually are.

It's time for a cleansing... a release of what weighs you/me down.

I think I'm finally ready.  I'm certainly going to try!  I have no idea what it means or how to do it but I'm not going to run from it all or bury it any more.  I want to be free...

How about you?

THINK.     WRITE.     BELIEVE.     ACT.