Where to go from 'here?'

We made it out of 2011 and 2012 is going well so far!  My brother launched his dream - a talk show featuring West Virginia called The Coffee Talk Show.  I hope you'll check it out via live streaming media for the next show in February!  If you like it, please donate!  I'm praying that PBS or some station picks it up because I love his concept!  (Say a prayer for him and watch!)  My WVU Mountaineers crushed Clemson in the Orange Bowl!  The underdog team with no possible chance according to the pundits and the polls showed the country what it means to "BELIEVE!"

I had made up my mind to be more present this year... to be more proactive with the people I love.  That also meant reconciling this past year somehow.  I've always believed you can't get to where you're going unless you understand and learn from where you've been.

So I figured out that part of what I needed was to be honest about the struggles of the year and to deal with the circumstances directly.  NO hiding.  No sugarcoating... just the brutal truth.  The only way to release pain from the lessons learned sometimes is to tell your story, to share where you've been and how you made it through.  And to tell the truth even when it hurts or may not result in what you think you want.  These are the principles of forgiveness used by therapists, groups like Weight Watchers, AA, etc.  There's a reason this process is so popular... it's because it works.

Where I was:
2011 started out relatively well.  I began working out with a trainer who helped me get in shape for the first time in a decade.  Work was going well.  I was getting out more with friends.  And I felt my personal life was at long last on a solid track - I was blessed.  I either had or was about to get everything I had always wanted... or so I thought.  I was happy.  I felt good.  So of course I should've expected something to go wrong, right??

That's what happens, doesn't it?  The other shoe drops.  The bottom falls out or the proverbial rug gets pulled...

And boy did it!  The summer turned my life upside down and broke my heart.

I ended up in the hospital in acute pain in my abdomen.  One surgery later I was minus one appendix and needing to see a gynecologist for ruptured cysts on my ovaries.  At the same time, I almost lost my little Maltese who became deathly ill.  He was only two.  Still yet, at work we got hit with two enormous projects that each required my full time attention which was impossible and terribly stressful.  And then lastly and most devastating of all I thought I lost the person I love.

I crumbled.  I felt so lost.  So confused.  I couldn't find my balance.  I felt punch-drunk... hit from every direction.  I was reeling, questioning my very core beliefs.  Who I am.  Who God was.  Marriage? Relationships? Family?  Life in general.

I couldn't breathe.  All my life I've had a vision for my life.  I've known who I was and what I wanted... where I was going.  Even when I had setbacks or challenges, I still always KNEW.  But, for the first time I couldn't SEE.  My future disappeared.  I no longer had the certainty of my beliefs or the passionate conviction of world view.  All stability was gone.

I couldn't think.  Thankfully my parents did what wonderful parents do - they loved me through it.  They let me 'feel' everything I was feeling the moment I felt it and they let me call them at all hours.  I called when I woke up with nightmares at 4 am.  I called when I had a panic attack in traffic.  I called angry, in tears, confused, and so on.  I also discovered I have amazing friends.  They too loved me through - listening, talking, hugging, picking me up when I drank wayyyy too much, checking on me even when I didn't want to be around another human being.  They all refused to 'leave me alone' though I pushed.  My self preservation instinct was in full force.  What happens when that happens?  Well, most of us retreat, isolate, shut down.

I faced many challenges in my past... but I always rebounded.  This time I felt I was in danger of never rebounding, never recovering.  I felt broken.  Rocked to my very core.

The thing about heartbreak is that it doesn't actually kill you - even though you might want it to.  

It felt like that last straw disintegrated.

So what to do?
Well, suffice it to say I couldn't do much.  All I could to was to get through each day, as cliche as that is.  I started with that.  Moment by moment until I closed my eyes at night.  Breathe in, Breathe out.  And then thankfully I shut down emotionally.  The pain was too great.  The beauty of this was that without the emotion, I got very logical.  Introspective.

Fortunately, rather than focusing outward trying to figure out the circumstances that just happened to me, I looked inward.  Not sure why but I did:  What did I need to change?  What did I do?  How did I not see this coming?  HOW did I get 'here?'  Lord, help me/show me/change me.

I asked.

When you ask, you'd better be ready for the answer.  Don't ASK unless you want to know because God will answer you.

I needed to change.

I needed to kill my co-dependency.  I needed to recognize my own selfishness.  I needed to acknowledge my own inability to control everything.  I needed to let go, let God and just "be."  Not requiring myself to move forward, slip backward - nothing.  Just BE.

And lastly, I needed to let go of my fear... my deepest, greatest fear.  You know the one.  It's the ONE thing that you tell yourself you'd never survive.  The one thing that makes your stomach churn, your palms sweat, heart race in terror.  The thing that launches the onslaught of negative thoughts that slices at your soul.  I needed to finally FACE that and defeat it once and for all.

Miraculously, as the weeks rolled on, I did.  I got countless messages and signs on HOW to do it... at church, from friends, circumstances, and even books.  Eventually, I started to SEE again.  I could see past and through that fear - the fear of loss and rejection.  I saw that God, my faith, and the love that surrounded me was far far bigger than the blackness of that fear.  It began to shrink.  Smaller and smaller.

Also in this time of pain, I LEARNED so so much.  They always say you do... and it's true.  I learned that those things that are central to me -- my core beliefs are still core -- they remained in tact even when battered.  I learned the power of real love and friendship.  I learned that as great as I sometimes think I am that I still have so very much to learn and experience about life, relationships, balance, and truth.

And once again, I learned that life is a journey not a destination.  It's about patience and timing... and that if you truly love someone, you must allow them to be who they are and to walk their own path.  If you do that, actually take the risk of release, you'll eventually be rewarded with a different kind of peace that brings a renewed strength.  The saying is true --- if you love something, let it go.  If it comes back to you, it was always yours... if not, it never was.

Finally, if you are blessed enough to have your love return to you, recognize the gift.  Be honest,  speak courageously and watch what happens.  You might be surprised.  The truth always sets you free.

Where to go from 'here?'
I don't know exactly.

But what I do know is that I trust I'm on the right path and that my dreams for my life and my love have never been more real or possible.  I have my vision back.  It never left and now it's stronger than ever. Amazingly, >my love -B< returned and the future is bright.


Thank you God for renewing my strength, teaching me about love, and showing me the value of changing myself first.... and thanks to my family and friends for everything.  Welcome 2012!  You're gonna be a great year!

THINK.     WRITE.     BELIEVE.     ACT.

Happy Birthday Mom

My Mom

Throughout a person's life there are people who come and go that touch our hearts, that hurt us, that shape us, love us, and so on... but there is no greater single person in any lifetime that can help HEAL us like a mother.

Most mothers have an infinite capacity to love their children in a way unlike anything or anyone else.  It's a depth of feeling so immeasurable that there really aren't words to describe it.  It's often this depth and the longing for that closeness that makes us all come running back to MOM.  I truly believe that the closest thing to Christ-like, unselfish love is demonstrated by moms...

It is this tremendous influence that mothers have on us because of their love and support that either make us whole or if we are lacking it, can break us apart resulting in dysfunctional families, need for therapy, etc. because a "good Mom" instills courage, independence, thoughtfulness, compassion, grace, and of course our own ability to love and be loved.

MY Mom is more than a "good Mom" - she's one of the greatest people I know.  

She is faithful to fault, loves her kids and grandkids with a fierceness unlike anything I've ever seen, and truly does her best to live by the Golden Rule every single day.  No matter what happens in my life, my Mom is quite literally ALWAYS there.

I am who I am in many respects because of her unending love for me...

She gets the greatest JOY from simply being in the presence of her kids and grandkids.  A text.  A call... or better yet a little FaceTime - literally or virtually makes her day.  Her whole face lights up when my brothers or I remember her.  She is the person we call when things go badly and one of the people we call when things go well.  No matter what, she is THERE.  We depend on that fact whether we admit it most days or not... She loves us and supports us however best she can.  And it's THAT willingness to be what we need that makes her so incredibly special.

I have never once doubted my Mom's love for me.  In fact, many times through smiles and tears, she's hugged me tightly and told me "you're my heart.  I love you."  The power of those WORDS and the emotion behind them is indescribable.  :)

MY Mom is a teacher.  Growing up she took the time to instill in me a love of reading, romance, and history.  She shared her passion, her convictions, and the need to continually LEARN.

MY Mom is a friend.  If you've met her, you know.  She goes out of her way to make you feel important.  She listens.  She encourages.  She prays.

MY Mom is devoted to her family.

I wish everyone could have a Mom like mine.  If you DO then celebrate her today.  Call her up just to say "hi Mom" and let her know what she means to you.  You are blessed beyond measure.  If you are a Mom, then learn from mine because she's the best example I know.  If you're missing your Mom then do something today in memory of her that would make her smile.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!

I'm so thankful for you, today and always.

THINK.     WRITE.     BELIEVE.     ACT.

Resurrection

Deep breath in, exhale out.  

F. Scott Fitzgerald says 'write because you have something to say' not just because...  For the past few months, I've wondered if I really did have more to say?  Turns out, I actually might.  :)  Thanks to everyone who has encouraged me to get back to this...

Resurrection 101
This past week I've been seriously struck by the fact that when asked about 2011, every single person I've encountered lately has said something to the effect of "This has been the worst year of my life..."  I've not found one person yet who said "Wow, this was MY year!"

And here I thought I was the ONLY ONE having a rough time?

Funny how that works, isn't it?

At the hardest times in our lives, we isolate and retreat rather than reach out and beg for help.  More and more with social media, we all seem to 'communicate' more because there's instant access.  Yet how often do we each actually go visit a neighbor, sit on their porch and have coffee with them?  A neighbor.  A friend.  Family.  Truth is we're actually TALKING less.

Some of us find it easier to write what we say because having to look someone else in the eyes and say out loud what we're truly feeling or how much we're really hurting is simply too terrifying... so we retreat and stare only at our computer who cannot question, empathize or criticize.    To the contrary, the great thing about the social net is that we can catch up with long lost friends and family... gaining insight into their every day should we choose to pay attention.

Still it's so much easier conversing with strangers on Twitter or distant friends on Facebook than it is to allow people who actually KNOW us into our lives.

This Christmas I went home for the holiday.  It was wonderful to actually SEE old friends and family... to be in their presence and get real rather than virtual hugs.  I also spent some time with my grandfather who as it turns out, is obsessed with planning his funeral.  Sitting with him in his kitchen reminiscing about years past with my grandmother was both heartbreaking and hilarious.  The fact that he wanted me to write up the details of his funeral for him and what he hoped each of my family and cousins would say physically hurt my heart.  Nonetheless, I realized it was because he wanted desperately to know that his life had meaning and that he was truly loved.   Don't we all?

He wanted to make sure there would be no squabbling about who was going to do what when, nor what his preferences were.  He knew that during a time of grief, people react - and sometimes not all that positively.  He'd thought through every detail.  He wanted his send-off to be a positive celebration of not just his life but of their life:  My Gram and Pap.  As I sat there with all his hand-scribbled notes, all I could do was smile through tears and say "You're not gonna make this easy on me, are you?"  He was crying too as he watched my reaction to his words.  "I need you to do this for me" he said as he pointed to a love poem he'd written to my grandmother when they were younger that he wanted me to read and promise to read the day of his funeral mass.  When I finally agreed to all he'd asked of me, he sat back in his chair grinning.  Exhale.  "Now I can relax" he said.  Then he started in with the jokes...

My Pap is 88 years old.  Earlier that day, his home was filled with young kids and teenagers.  They each played instruments from drums to keyboard, cello, violin, viola, and trumpet.  These kids came over with their mom to play for HIM.  They came over because he had asked them to play just for me - because I was in town.  Now, how many pre-teen and teenagers do YOU know who would do that for someone who wasn't even related to them??  I was dumbfounded.

The thing about my Pap is... that he just LOVES people.  He'd stand on his head to make a child laugh if he could.  He's never been wealthy but he's always understood the power of love and a simple gesture of loving kindness.  When my grandmother was in the hospital - and to this day - he would bring a loaf of fresh bread from the bakery and a jar of his canned peppers to the doctors and nurses.  "It's not much" he'd say, "but I want to thank you for taking care of my wife."  He'd do the same with folks at the bank - or literally anyone who did something nice for him or her.  It was his way of giving back, always.  Year after year - even though Gram passed four years ago.  He still follows through.  Never forgetting.  As family, we used to rib him about it and tell him he didn't have to, etc. etc. etc. but he'd brush us all off and do it his way anyway.  But honestly, anyone who received that loaf or those peppers had to look into his eyes and there they'd receive the greatest gift of all.  His love and admiration... and for that, they were all blessed.

He knew what mattered.  He still does.

It's the power of his love that brought those kids to his house.  It's that same love that draws us all to him, seeking his approval, wanting his affection.

This year has been a really really tough year for me.  I was hurt, lost, stressed, and more than I care to recall.  But as with all such things in life, I've come out of that darkness back into the light again... resurrected once more with a new set of lessons learned under my belt.

2011 was a tough year but it is ending.  I am choosing to celebrate the ending of 2011 with a return to the good things in my life that I'd let go (like this blog) and a joyful heart in knowing that the most powerful thing was and is still LOVE.  At the end of the day, love is the thing that lingers - the thing that matters.  It is the thing that all those who know you will remember about you and celebrate for you when you pass on from this life.

So in the meantime, enjoy being ALIVE!  Celebrate that you ARE loved.  And in 2012, think about how to personally connect with those you love rather than sending them a Facebook post or Tweet.

Resurrect the Art of Interpersonal Relationships in the New Year!

Spend actual time with your family and friends.

Look them in the eyes or hold their hand.  Tell them all what they mean to you.

Show them all that you care enough to be PRESENT.

Make the time... (and don't tweet about it when you do :)

Just SAVOR the moments of your life.

Conventional wisdom says you only get one, so make the most of it.  My Pap has... and my hope is that I'll positively impact even half the lives he has when my time here is done.

My New Year's Resolution for 2012 is to commit to a Personal Resurrection.  

Join me.
Walk outside.  Breathe in that Air.  And smile.

Happy Holidays Everyone!

THINK.     WRITE.     BELIEVE.     ACT.

There will not be any further blogs on this site for a while. Thanks so much for listening!

angela

Trying Times

I'm always amazed at how quickly elation can turn to frustration when things get complicated.  We often witness the unbelievable and count our blessings thanking God for bringing us through trials ranging from a trip to the emergency room and a dying dog to a parking space close to the door in record heatwaves...

Yet, the very next seemingly negative event or circumstance puts us in turmoil... no matter how trivial.

Human beings are funny that way.  We epitomize "what have you done for me lately?" through our incredible short term memory.  We also often fail to grant the grace we are given in our circumstance to others...  I imagine God in heaven must shake his head at us frequently.

So often we can't see past our "now" to even conceive of our potential future or the impact of our current actions on that future. I call these 'heavy sigh' moments. We allow the trying times we face to dictate our state of mind and subsequently our state of belief.

The result:  A lack of VISION

Isn't it funny how we can be given EXACTLY what we requested, prayed for, meditated on, or believed could be to then turn around and only see a new set of circumstances to derail us rather than seeing how much closer we are to our dream?

Why is that??

Well, there's the good vs. evil belief; karma principles; yin-yang; etc etc etc.  Pick your negative poison.  I think it's any number of things but regardless, I believe it comes back to a lack of vision. 

We fail to see the forrest for the trees... we have blinders on!

Next time you come through an incredibly traumatic time and receive our grace and victory, take a moment to WRITE DOWN your joy, your excitement and how grateful you are to have been brought through safely or given what you wanted.  Do that for yourself so when you face your next problem you see it for what it is:

A circumstance.  A challenge.  A step closer to your GOAL...

When things get complicated - as surely they will - REMEMBER where you've been so you can have FAITH in where you're going.

Your ability to achieve your VISION is decided by the myriad of choices you make today.  See past the circumstances of now to where you want to be - and then refuse to settle for anything less than your dream... one circumstance at a time.

Whatever you are facing today - no matter how big or how insignificant the issue - consider how 'big' that is in comparison to your dream!  You can have your hearts desire if you believe you can. 

Embrace your Vision!
Choose to see it rather than the circumstances.  ;)

You might be surprised at how close you already are!

THINK.     WRITE.     BELIEVE.     ACT.

Answered Prayers...

Incredibly... God came through.

This morning, the Vet called and the first thing he said was "Aspen's fever broke."  I almost cried.  I smiled and instead waved my hand to God in thanks...  He had answered.

The vet went on to say that his lungs had started to clear... he was breathing better... and that his insides were responding.  All things were improving!


All things were improving...
Improving...
Improving...

It is so breath-takingly humbling to experience a miracle.  To know that with a WORD, God answered... and not in any sort of random or non-descript way.  Not in generalities.  Not circumstantial.

God answered in strikingly significant specifics.
The response was so precisely perfect that the Truth is that it could be NOTHING else but God.

And isn't that how it works?

Be still and know...
He answers so that we KNOW.
He answers in a way that assures us that it IS Him...

Our hearts recognize and KNOW.

Thank you Lord, for answering this prayer and for responding to the overwhelming love and support by so many friends and family who were praying also.  Praise you for your unbelievable grace and love... for helping renew and infuse our faith.

You ARE all in all... THE God - THE Lord.  The one and only, Alpha and Omega.  The Morning Star. King of Kings...

I love You - and honor You - and am so humbled and blessed by this miracle of restored life for my little Aspen.  I know his healing is not yet complete - but I know it will be because You answered already.  How great thou art!  And how incredible is it that the God of the Universe cares so much for a life so small?

How much more do you mean to Him?
How much more will He do for you?

Prayers for Aspen

A friend asked me 'how' I prayed?

This is how...

I'm asking for prayer and healing for little Aspen... 

That today his fever breaks and his health is wholly restored to the amazement of his vet and for God's glory. We are praying and agreeing that Aspen is healed completely from the inside out - the cough disappears, his breathing is normal, his lungs are clear, his fever is gone, and he can eat and digest his food with no problem!! Your Word says to ask... so I am asking for this restoration miracle now in Jesus Name, Heal this little life who brings such joy and bring him home to us THIS week!

I thank you Lord that Aspen will live a long, full healthy life for at least another 10 years!  ...that his eyes see, his organs, cells, muscles, and bones are vibrant and alive, healthy... that he is surrounded by love and not afraid... that his heart is strong, his kidneys and liver and intestines all work normally as they should... that his body is strong and healthy, free from infection and disease.  I pray a hedge of protection around about him - that he is surrounded by your warring and ministering angels to guard and comfort him.

I pray and come against ANY ailment, infection, disease, or negative thing that attempts to hurt or kill him and command those things to GO NOW in the Name of Jesus - at whose name every knee must bow and tongue confess that He is Lord ( Isaiah 45:23 and Philippians 2:9-11).  "It is not by might, nor by power, but by My Spirit, says the Lord" (Zech 4:6) so I acknowledge You, Lord.  Only YOU can heal Aspen and I praise you and thank you for this victory.

I thank you Lord for the blessing that this little dog is to me and my family.  I thank you Lord that you have given him as a blessing and that his 'time' is not yet done.  He is an innocent life whom You love as much as I do.  I TRUST You, Lord and KNOW that You want Aspen alive and healthy... therefore I rebuke and reject this attack on him.  Your Word says that 'the thief comes to kill, steal, and destroy' (John 10:10) so I know where this comes from and am so thankful that You, Lord defeated him.  Your Word further says that "when caught, the thief must restore 7x what he has stolen" (Prov 6:31) - so I claim that now for Aspen.  He WILL be restored to full health and live seven times a greater, stronger, longer, healthier life than before.

You are the Alpha and the Omega, Lord.  The beginning and the end.  All life, all hope, all love comes from You.  You are ALL in ALL.  Jehovah Jirah (our provider), Jehovah Rophe (our healer), Jehovah Shalom (our peace), Jehovah Nissi (our banner)!  You heal with a word... Emmanuel - God with us.  I thank you that 1 John 4:4 says "Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world" and Psalms 23:4 says "I will fear no evil, for you are with me Lord, Your Word and Your Spirit comfort me.  No evil shall befall me, neither shall shall any plague come near my dwelling" (Psalms 91:10) and that means there is no place for this illness, this plague in my home because I am a child of the King.

Thank you, Lord!  I give You all the glory for Aspen's healing and I thank you humbly for this amazing grace... today and always.

I love you, Lord Jesus - I believe.
To God be all the Glory.
Amen.