Welcome to Write Your Vision!

Deep down, most people have dreams - they may be forgotten, unspoken, or unrealized - but they are there. I want to help you remember and believe in them again...

Monday, July 23, 2012

What's Next?

Well suffice it to say, I've been crazy busy lately... my job has afforded me the opportunity to fly across the country with some frequency these past few months.  I've been doing my best to work out again in an effort to be healthier; and I've been making time to have some FUN rather than waiting "until" or "as soon as..." (fill in your own blanks).

I can honestly say that TODAY was the first time in months I felt energetic.  I got up and made myself breakfast then prepared to go kayaking with my best friend who's become my trainer.  Out on the water on a kayak gliding across the lake felt beautiful, difficult, energizing, relaxing all at once.  It's simplicity was perfection.  In those moments I felt FREE and yet completely connected.  My cluttered mind focused and relaxed.  I am relearning 'how to breathe' and move.

By making time for myself the past few weeks, I've realized not only how unhealthy I'd become but also how distracted.  I've been unable to sleep for months.  My ability to be effective in any environment became incredibly taxing... and for an introvert, feeling unable to find any sort of 'QUIET' was beginning to madden me.  Funny how subtle and yet damaging life's daily circumstances can be when you're not really paying attention but are in react mode.

In short, I allowed myself to get lost.

Why?  How?  Well, last year was a very difficult year for me and as I'd written before, for the first time in my life, I felt my ability to bounce back was shattered.  I've been tired, taxed/maxed out, with very little willingness to grant myself any grace and I've been ANGRY.  Angry at my circumstances, people closest to me, and furious with myself for allowing those circumstances to happen and hurt me.  Now, here's the thing I've  since learned about anger -- if you don't deal with it directly, it builds... and it will rear it's proverbial head sometimes when you least expect it -- literally.

In my typical way, I began Writing Things Down months ago.  But these journal entries were more like a tirade than anything productive or visionary.  Still I reasoned that these ramblings were my 'healthy' attempt at expression and release.  My mind and heart were searching for a means to let go of the toxic negativity that my anger was creating.  Unfortunately, no matter what I did, it never seemed to be enough and my growing frustration with my inability to release my anger was just making me angrier.  Talk about a vicious cycle!  So okay.  I was angry.  People get angry every day.  No big deal.  I was allowed, right?  Hmmm... I got to the point where I'd ask myself constantly - "where is this coming from?  is this feeling about what's happening now?  is the circumstance of this moment generating a real emotion or is it a reminder of something else/something past?"  My usual mental analytics and gymnastics was on FULL BLAST 24/7.  "Am I just tired from traveling? not sleeping? stress?" and "How do I STOP this?"

Well, guess what?  There's no stopping it... there's only the opportunity to learn from it and allow yourself to experience it.  You know I hate the saying "It is what it is."  However, in this case, that is the honest truth.  There was no denying it, escaping it, hiding it, burying it, ignoring it or even attempting to face it and repel it.  My anger was going to run its course.  Period.

My friend Lidia has been saying to me for months now, "You just gotta experience it and let it flow through you then you can RELEASE it."  For the life of me, I had absolutely NO idea how to DO that.  It sounded good... but what was the "practice" of it?  How could I really DO it?  [See and the more the answer eluded me, the angrier I'd get... LOL]

So a few weeks ago I made up my mind (again) to stop being angry at my anger AND while I was at it to get out of my own way.  Despite traveling weekly, I still made myself get up morning when I could to at least stretch and work out during the week some how, some way.  Step 1.  Next, I started monitoring my food and sleep (I highly recommend fitbit.com).  Step 2 check.  Now at last TODAY after a week in one location - despite the stress, work, etc. - I HAD A GREAT DAY!  No Anger.  :)  WOW!

After our kayaking excursion, Lidia took me grocery shopping and I ended my afternoon of errands at Lowe's where I bought a truckload full of tools, etc. to FINALLY organize my garage.  I wasn't exhausted from the errands but energized by them!  I got home and made my lunches for the next few days... and got my food, etc. organized as well.

Back On Track!

And now tonight, as I reflected on my new-found productivity.  I realized I was HAPPY... not angry or anything else.  Just happy.  Relaxed.   PRESENT.

I missed this... I missed ME.  You ever feel like that??

It seems the decision I made to stop being Angry at my Anger was the trigger that finally allowed me to experience it, allow it to "be" and to continue to flow rather than staying blocked in my mind and heart.  That choice only a few weeks ago was what created the opening for RELEASE.  Could it really be THAT simple?  Apparently.  Go figure.

What's Next??
All I know is that I'm happy to have THIS Moment... and all the moments I had today.  Tomorrow will take care of itself.  For now, I believe I'm going to go to SLEEP.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Angela, I'm so happy for you! And you make me happy as well. I feel happy being with you and helping you. You are my best fried and I love you very much!
We're making progress; this morning was a good workout day and made me feel really good. Slowly but surely we'll get in better shape both.
Keep up the good work and let's be better in our weak areas. Together we'll Triumph :)